


A Year In Purgatory

by BadLuckCharm



Series: Other Authors' Fics [21]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel/Dean Winchester in Purgatory, Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Season/Series 07 AU, Purgatory, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-05 11:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11577264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadLuckCharm/pseuds/BadLuckCharm
Summary: Castiel and Dean were sent to Purgatory for a year by killing Dick Roman (This is what if Cas had not left Dean alone when they arrived). And Dean comes to terms with his inner feelings for Cas when they spend their entire time together, and fight to find a way out of Purgatory.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alsooo the original author wrote this whole fic in their old phone and it took a lot of work to transfer this into another device and write it in the old phone.
> 
> Enjoy reading :)

All I could remember is that we’d finally just killed Dick Roman. I must have blacked out, because my eyes were closed.

 

“Wake up.” Cas’ voice was commanding, but I felt relieved that he was still here with me. Hey, it was nice to have him back, okay? Nothing more than that.

 

I opened my eyes. We were not in the same warehouse we’d killed Dick in. We were in some dense forest in the middle of nowhere. Awesome. I sat up and looked to Cas, who was standing. My back was to him, so I stood and faced him.

 

“Good. We need to get out of here.” He said, and I saw the fear in his eyes. Not a lot scared Cas, so I was definitely…unnerved that he was timid about our current situation.

 

“Where are we?” I asked, looking around.

 

“You don’t know?” Cas looked at me like I was stupid. Like it was something I should already know. Jeez, I blacked out and just now woke up. Give a guy a break, Cas. I shrugged, playing it off.

 

“Last I remember, we ganked Dick.” Cas’ eyes widened, as if explaining all this to a two-year-old. God, what had gotten into him?

 

“And where would he go in death?” It took me a moment to process. Dick Roman. Leviathan. Where do all monsters go in when they bite the dust? My eyes widened at the realization. We couldn’t be. But how?

 

“Wait, are you telling me…”

 

“Every soul here is a monster.” Cas finished. That wasn’t what I was going to say, but yeah, that was true too. “This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity.” Cas explained, but I already knew that. There was a rustling around us in the leaves. My heart rate quickened. We were not ready for an attack by who knows what.

 

“We’re in Purgatory?” I said. It was more of a statement than a question. I just needed to hear it out loud. “How do we get out?” I asked. There had to be a way out, there just had to be.

 

“I’m afraid we’re much more likely to be ripped to shreds.” Cas assumed. I stared at him. Well, thanks for the moral support, dick-bag, I thought. We looked each other in the eyes, and he saw the fear in mine, and I saw the hopelessness in his. There was a snarl behind me, and I turned on instinct. A few sets of piercing red eyes stared back at me, growling. We have no weapons, no phones, and no means of help. We were probably going to die in this fight. Bye, Sammy, I say in my head, regardless of the fact I knew he’d never know about it. I did it every time I thought I was going to die. So what? Dude’s my little brother, so, c’mon.

 

“Cas, I think we better get out of here.” He nodded. And with that, we ran in a random direction, not really caring where we were going. The things behind us chased us and Cas was right behind me, so I kept running.

 

“Dean!” I heard the angel call my name. I turned. Shit, I thought he was right behind me! I ran back, seeing him on the ground with something that had the head and muscle strength of a gorilla and body of a wolf. It had pinned Cas down, trying to eat his face, and not in the good way. I didn’t even think about it; I just ran and pushed it with all of my weight against it, taking it down with me in my fall. It snarled and rolled over, pinning me to the ground. Cas touched its forehead, and liquefied it’s insides in the way angels do. He offered his hand, and helped me up. And we ran. We ran until our sides hurt, and we’d picked off each gorilla-wolf one by one. I rested my back against a tree and sighed in exhaustion.

 

“Cas, we gotta stop somewhere and rest. I’m blown out.” I tried to catch my breath. He turned to me.

 

“You do know there is no civilization anywhere, no motels, no bars, nothing.” He replied. “No establishment of any kind.” I groaned.

 

“Come on!” I yelled. Cas glared at me.

 

“Dean, keep your voice down. Not only are we not supposed to be here, but they are also drawn to us because of that matter.” I rolled my eyes, angry at Dick Roman for sending us to this damned place. I crossed my arms.

 

“Okay, well, regardless of the fact that there’s no decent place to sleep, I still need it, so… watch my back, Feathers.” I said, sitting down with my back against the trunk of the tree. I closed my eyes, but tired as I was, my brain would not let me get some nice shut-eye. I huffed in frustration, turning to the side. I heard footsteps and my eyes flew open. Cas had walked over and squatted in front of me. He pressed two fingers to my forehead. And just before I fell asleep from Cas’ angel mojo-powers, I heard him speak softly to only me:

 

“Sleep well, Dean. I’ll be here when you wake.” It was darkness from there.

 

 

 

“Dean, wake up.” Cas shook me awake.

 

“What Cas? What’s up?” I rubbed my eyes and saw them. Two vamps running towards us. They were a distance away, but still. We needed to go. “Okay, Cas, c’mon. Let’s get out of here. Now.” I stood and ran with Cas at my side. But they were catching up. We needed weapons. A chance to fight. Luckily, the vamps did have weapons. It was a sharpened, curved, flat rock attached to a sturdy branch for a handle. Great. This was going to be real fun. I ducked behind a tree and waited. Soon enough, they ran past, and I hit one square in the chest, knocking him down. More importantly, he dropped the weapon he was holding. I grabbed it and hopped on top of him, cutting off his head with one clean swipe. I’ll say this for the blade; it may not be what I’m used to, but it’s effective. And it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing. Cas angel-fried the other vamp, and we were on our way. We only had the one weapon, but it was enough. Cas didn’t really need one, and it was just dead weight otherwise.

 

We wandered around for many days, staying close to the stream we’d found for water. Cas and I’d fought off everything that had the nerve to try and kill us, which was everything. Days without sleep were more often than not, but luckily, Cas didn’t need to, so I was the only one who ever needed cover for an hour or two of sleep. Things were hard enough already. Cas watched me while I slept, and hunted with me by day. Thank God he didn’t need to sleep, though.

 

We never stayed in the same place. We were constantly on the move, and always fighting. It seemed like every time we turned our backs, something was right behind, ready to kill us. We never stopped. We killed everything that came near us; vamps, werewolves, shifters, you name it. Had yet to see a ghost or a tulpa or anything like that, though. Nights were cold and days were hot. The smell was intoxicating. It was really nothing except a large expanse of dense forestry for as far as we’d travelled. Days turned into weeks, weeks actually turned into a month, and we had barely talked. We may not have spoken much, but we were closer than ever. I grew to need Cas more and more each and every day.

 

One day, Cas and I had had our hands extra full of monsters. We had been running for hours, and on a good day we’d see a minimum of five monsters, but a normal day was about ten or fifteen. Today, we’d had twenty eight. Not that anyone’s keeping score or anything. Cas was tired, even for an angel. He’d gotten a few hits that were bad for anyone, including someone like him. He had laid down on the ground and agreed to take watch while I slept, as always. I rested on the ground next to Cas. I watched him; his back was to me. I hated to say it, but I worried for the guy. Yeah, I know how it sounds, but somehow he’d been healing himself. He was growing back into himself again and not the spacey, always-out-of-it bastard he’d been for months before we ganked Dick Roman. I was glad to have him back, despite what he’d pulled in the past. He was more than family; he was something else. I don’t know. He’s close to me and I’m just glad he’s getting back to normal, okay?

 

“Cas, you okay?” I asked quietly. He rolled over and looked at me.

 

“I’m perfectly fine, Dean.” His blue eyes watched me. I nodded. I closed my own eyes and tried not to shiver. Damn it was so cold. Cas rustled next to me, and I felt something on top of me. I opened my eyes. Cas had placed his signature trench coat on top of us like a blanket. I smiled a little to myself.

 

“Thanks Cas.” I whispered. His back was to me again.

 

“Dean, you know, if you want the maximum amount of warmth, you and I will need to move closer for your body heat to reflect off of my vessel.” He said. It took my mind a second to process what he’d just said. He wanted us to get closer. The closer we were, the warmer we’d be. I would have come up with some snarky remark and not done it had it been on any other occasion and it wasn’t so damn cold. I scooted closer so that we were clearly not touching, but less than a half a foot from each other.

 

But then Cas caught me truly by surprise when he whispered so soft even from my close range I could barely hear the angel;

 

“Closer, Dean.” Now, I’m not the cuddling kind of guy. But, come on, this was Cas. The guy had this certain appeal to him. Maybe it was the way he walked. Maybe it was his so-oblivious-it’s-funny-to-everyone-else kind of nature. Maybe it was the way he understood the issues I had with my father because him and his Father weren’t exactly smooth either. Maybe it was the way his voice was so deep. Maybe it was the way he had with his word choice. Maybe it was the way his hair always looked like he’d just had hot sex, all the time. Maybe it was the way his eyes were so goddamned blue. I don’t know what it was, but I liked him. Granted, I’d never say it anywhere but in my head (on less than occasion); but, he was attractive to me. He was my best friend and right now, everything I had. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his.

 

So after checking to see if there was nothing coming, I scooted closer, putting my left arm around his mid-section and my right came under his neck and curled around so that I held his forehead in my palm. I pulled him closer with my left. Okay, so I was spooning Cas. Big friggin deal. I leaned my lips close to his ear.

 

“Okay, Cas.” I murmured gently. With my left hand, I brush his soft dark hair using my fingertips. I rested my head just behind his, the bridge of my nose fitting perfectly to the curve of his head. Cas intertwined his left hand fingers with my own.

 

“Dean.” Cas called quietly. I closed my eyes.

 

“Yeah, Cas?”

 

“I won’t tell anyone about this if you promise me something. Promise we’ll do this again?” I chuckled.

 

“If you told anyone, I’d end you.” I joked. “But yeah, if no one finds out, we can do this more often. Do you like being my personal heating pad?” Cas and I both laughed lightly.

 

“I suppose you could say that, Dean.” I don’t know why I did it-but I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the forehead. And then I nuzzled his hair. God, it was so soft. Softer than, well…an angel’s wings probably. Maybe I’d ask him about that later, I thought.

 

“Good night, Cas.” I whispered.

 

“Good night, Dean.” That was the best night I’d ever had. Literally, ever. I fell asleep into peaceful dreams for the first time in years. I think Cas had something to do with that, but I didn’t ask. I was grateful either way.


	2. Chapter 2

I awoke the next morning, with Cas still next to me. He had been awake the entire time. I squeezed him a bit with my arms to show I was up.

 

“Hey, Cas.” I purred.

 

“Hello, Dean. Did you sleep well?”

 

“For the first time in a few years, yeah. I did.”

 

“Good.” I smiled.

 

“Thank you for…well, y’know. It meant a lot to me.” I had to say it. Just to him.

 

“If you were wondering, nobody ever saw us like this.” It was just so nice to be with Cas. He turned to look at me and smiled.

 

“That’s good.” I said, not really caring. Anyone else would be a monster anyway, so they’d be dead before they had gotten the chance to even open their mouths. But I still didn’t care.

 

“Hey Cas?” He turned his head attentively towards me. “Can we, um… Can we do this more than more often?” Cas chuckled.

 

“How often is more than more often?” I closed my eyes and rested my head on his, but instead, he rolled over to face me, and put his arms around me. He buried his face into my chest. Even better.

 

“Every night.” I ran my fingers through his soft hair and smelled it. Mm. Underneath the dirt and grime, he smelled like cotton. Like when you first take your clothes from the dryer. I loved that smell. “Cas…” I moaned softly. He hugged me tighter.

 

“Yes, Dean?” 

 

“I need you.” I whispered.

 

“You need me for what purpose, Dean?” I opened my eyes and looked into his nice blue ones.

 

“Not like that, Cas. I’m saying, I need you.” A flicker of realization came over his face.

 

“Oh. You mean to say that you…” he trailed. I nodded. “In that case, I need you as well, Dean.” He returned. I smiled wider. He knew what “I need you” meant. It was just the only way I could say it. 

 

 

 

Somewhere along the line, we’d met Benny, a vamp who claimed to know the location of a human portal out of Purgatory. All he wanted in exchange was for me to carry his soul out as well. After much debate with Cas, we decided to follow him. I grew sort of fond of Benny. He’d saved my life more times than I could count, and we just seemed to understand some things. We grew a mutual trust. Benny didn’t like the idea that there were three of us, he said it was too much of a crowd, but I talked him into it. He and Cas also had a harder time getting along than me and Benny. They would get into arguments and glare at each other, but luckily nothing too concerning.

 

Cas and I were extra-careful about spending the night together with Benny around. But that didn’t change the fact that every night, we’d spend hugging each other under Cas’ trench coat. Nothing else. Just me holding him close while he put his head on my chest. Sometimes vice-versa. We never kissed, except a few times I’d peck him on his forehead. But that doesn’t count as a real kiss. Shut, up, I’m not getting girly. I’m not. Cas and I, we’d spoon occasionally, and that was nice. What? Can a man not like spooning his more-than-a-friend-best-friend? Yes! Jeez.

 

One morning I woke up with Cas on my chest. I looked down into his eyes.

 

“Hey you.”

 

“Good morning, Dean.” But this morning, something different happened; this look crossed Cas’ face. A look of desperate hopefulness with a bit of longing. He held me tighter. “Dean, I have something I want to ask.” He said.

 

“Sure, Cas. What’s up?” I asked, a bit concerned.

 

“Dean Winchester, when this is all over, can we still be-” But he didn’t get to finish his sentence. Benny came into view and Cas stopped.

 

“Get up. Morning’s here and we need to keep truckin’ away.” He said. Then he saw me in Cas’ coat and Cas laying on me. Benny turned to me. “Get too cold, Macho?” he smiled. “Feathers give you his wings and keep you warm? Or is he keeping you warm with a little man-on-man action?” he joked. He didn’t mean it, but my defensive side had come out since he’d taken notice of me and Cas’ bodies being on each other.

 

“Shut up, Benny.” I warned, my tone unfriendly. Benny gave me a look of surprise.

 

“Look, if you two are…you know…together, that’s fine with me.” he said. Too far. This had gone too far. I gently set Cas off of me, and stood, shrugging off Cas’ trench coat. I got in Benny’s face.

 

“Look, Benny, I don’t know what you’re playing at here, but whatever you’re trying to imply, don’t. Because whatever you think is happening, I can promise you, it’s not.” I said slowly and carefully, staring him in the eyes. He held up his hands in surrender.

 

“Your play here, man. You’re calling the shots. I’m just calling it as I see it.” He said.

 

“Well, it’s not as you see it, so drop it! God, you’re just like Sam. I don’t friggin love Cas, okay?!” I stepped back, but did not back down. I turned around to face Cas who was staring down in his lap where his coat was. “C’mon Cas. Let’s get our stuff and find that portal.” He didn’t look at me. “Cas!” I said again.

 

“Sure, Dean.” He said, still not looking at me. What was wrong with him? He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me throughout the entire day.

 

That night, he looked like he wasn’t going to sleep. Not on the ground.

 

Not with me.

 

I walked over to him and laid down on my back. He was just standing there, so I grabbed one of his hands and held it. He finally turned to me in slight surprise. I looked at him. He stared back at me.

 

"Cas, what's wrong?" I asked gently. He sighed.

 

"It's what you told Benny this morning. That there's nothing between us." His eyes showed the hurt he felt. I saw it. I've seen that face in the mirror before. “That you don’t…” He sighed again and looked away.

 

"Cas... I didn't...I didn't mean it, I swear. I was just trying to get Benny off our trail, that's all." I said, trying to explain. He tried to look at me again. His face told me he didn't believe me.

 

"If you say so, Dean." He sighed, looking away from me, for a second time. I stood.

 

"Hey. If there was nothing between us, would I do this?" I kissed him on the forehead. He looked a bit alarmed.

 

"Dean, what are you doing? Benny's right over there-" but Cas didn't finish his sentence. How could he, when his lips were so occupied with mine? I pulled away, but he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in for another kiss. His lips were soft, and warm. I think I'd even taken a favorite lip. It's the bottom one, by the way. Just sayin’.

 

"Cas, I can't tell you how long..." I started.

 

"Dean, it's alright. I know now, that's all that matters. But, I think, that some part of me has always known." Cas said, smiling a little. I returned it.

 

"Me too. Now come here, before I take you all for myself." I said. I have no clue why. It's the first thing that came to my mind. Cas gave me a confused look.

 

"Isn't that what you're about to do?" He asked. I rolled my eyes, but my lips still wore a smile.

 

"Oh, Cas don't ever change." I said, sighing. I hugged him and pulled him closer to me. I was so glad that I'd finally told him. Some part of me had always wanted to tell him, but now that I'd told him, I can't quite remember why I hadn't done it sooner. I kissed him again. His lips were just so tender yet, kinda passionate.

 

I got down on the ground again. Cas joined me, throwing his trench coat over us. He smiled and wrapped his arms around me.

 

“Cas I need you, damnit.” I said as he kissed my jawline.

 

“In your words, Dean, I need you too.” Cas said. I kissed him again.

 

“No, I mean it Cas. I…I think I…I love you, I always have. I always will.”

 

For the rest of the night, he and I simply laid there, on the ground, just holding each other and kissing. No words, just his lips on mine. Well, except for more “I love you”s from both him and me. What? So what if I liked it? So what if it seems really chick-flicky? I liked it. Hell, I loved it. I love him. And Cas seemed to love it too. He loves me. And that’s all I cared about.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, we’d fought brutally hard. When we finally reached the area where Benny had thought the portal was we saw nothing. Absolutely nothing was there. Awesome.

 

“Maybe you were lied to.” Cas said as I ran up behind the two. “Maybe there is no seam.”

 

“I lie, I don’t get lied to. Aren’t you guys all about faith?” Benny shot back.

 

“Not particularly.” Cas returned. We just stood there, unsure of what to do. And then, a leaf, of all things, caught our attention. It swirled in the air in front of us, and then quickly flew off in the direction of a blue mass was glowing in the distance.

 

“Oh ye of friggin little faith.” Benny said, smirking at Cas.

 

“What the hell…” I started. It was just this blue opening in the air some distance away that seemed to go to well…another world.

 

“There it is. It’s reacting to you.” Cas said, turning to me. I turned to Benny. He nodded.

 

“Alright, you ready?” I asked, pulling up my sleeve. “Just like we talked about.” I said. I cut my arm with a knife, some blood spilling out. I grunted a little in pain.

 

“Puttin a lot of trust into you, brother.” Benny said.

 

“You’ve earned it.” I replied. And he really had. He had begun to trust each other. We weren’t as close as Cas and I were, but Benny did always have my back. I cut his arm too and we put our arms together.

 

“I’ll see you on the other side.” He uttered. I smiled a little. Benny had his perks. And his snide remarks. A few words in Latin and Benny went limp, literally dissolving into my arm. It burned like hell, and I would know. There was a light emitting from the cut where Benny’s soul was. I looked to Cas after rolling my sleeve back down.

 

“Let’s go.” I said, walking in the direction of the portal.

 

It was a steep, rocky hill to climb to get to the portal. We ran and were only a few hundred yards away from it when Cas suddenly spoke.

 

“Dean, wait.” He said, voice gruff. I stopped. And where I would have stepped had Cas not said something, were black messes that fell from the sky. They hit the ground creating small craters around where they’d landed. The black goo that was them quickly molded into two people, a man and a woman with blond hair in a bun, both in suits. Leviathan. Awesome.

 

I swung at the male leviathan, but he ducked and pushed me down the steep hill me and Cas had just come up. And I wasn’t kidding when I’d said it was rocky. I tumbled down, rolling, flipping, until I was farther down, clutching at the gravel for any sort of stop. When I finally did come to a halt, I groaned and looked up.

 

Cas was getting beat to hell. The man would hit, and then the woman would. Then the man and the woman again and again until Cas was on his knees. And then on the ground. He had managed to kick the woman down, but the man had him. I ran and cut off the dude’s head just as he was about to eat Cas with his ugly, big-ass mouth. Cas then caught the woman behind him and held her down just long enough for me to chop off her head too. The wind, which had been non-existent until we’d found the portal, blew so hard, my ears throbbed. I grabbed Cas and pulled him up. I also pulled him closer to my face so he could hear me. I kissed him because he was so close. Just because I need him.

 

Because I love him.

 

“WE GOTTA MOVE! THE PORTAL’S CLOSING!” I yelled above the wind. I pulled him along, almost dragging him to the portal. The next hill was practically vertical it was so steep. Cas was at my back, but he was falling behind. I turned around while trying to climb. “CAS! DAMNIT COME ON!” I yelled. We were so close, it was literally right there. I stepped into the portal, but stayed at the edge to pull Cas through. He was on the ground, crawling towards me. I reached my hand out to grab his. “COME ON!” He grabbed my hand with a lot of effort. But he was slipping. The sweat didn’t help either. “I GOT YOU, HOLD ON!” I screamed. I was not losing him. I just wasn’t. Not now, not when we were so close. In many different ways.

 

“DEAN!” Cas screamed for me.

 

“HOLD ON!” I screeched to him. We were at our fingertips now. His grip was lost, and he slid backwards.

 

“DEAN!” he cried.

 

And the last thing I saw of Purgatory was Castiel, my Cas, sliding out of my reach, away from me, calling my name.

 

“DEAN!”

 

 

 

In a burst of light, I was in a dark forest. I was home. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t home. Not really. Cas was gone. Everything I had done, everything, was lost. He had slipped away. My Cas, was still stuck in goddamned Purgatory. I would have just stayed there, in that spot, had Benny not reminded me that I owed him something.

 

My arm burned and I got up. I walked past this camping tent. People. People who didn’t want to kill me. A dude with a flashlight came out.

 

“Hello?” he called. “Hello?” he scoffed after a minute, turning to the tent. “It was a deer. I don’t know, it was like a deer or something.” He gasped and turned to me when I appeared in his view. I must have looked pretty freaky, like a dude from a horror movie or something. I hadn’t bathed at all during my time in Purgatory, and I also had only worn one pair of clothes the entire time. Plus I had blood, sweat, dirt, and a hell of a lot of other grime-like substances on me. The dude’s face was in pure shock. But I didn’t care. I held the rock-blade I had taken from the vamps.

 

“Where am I?” I asked. The dude took a moment to talk.

 

“What?” he asked. A girl came out of the tent, and I pulled out my gun, ready to fire. Purgatory will do that to you. “Woah! Hey! Hey! Hey!” The dude freaked. The girl hid behind him. They had to be what? Early twenties? Not that I gave a rat’s ass. Why did they get to be together and me and Cas couldn’t?

 

“Where’s a road?” I asked gruffly.

 

“Twelve miles that way.” The dude said, pointing behind him. Slowly, I crept toward a bag of theirs, lying on the ground. Free money and food. I quickly grabbed it and ran off in the direction he’d told me. They did nothing, just let me go.

 

And so I ran. I had nothing left in me, but I ran. I ran because I’d lost Cas. He was stuck in Purgatory and I had no way of getting him out. Why didn’t he just try a little harder and make it out?

 

Eventually, I did come to a road, where I hitch-hiked with an old man driving a blue van. He took one look at me, and let me in like I was some normal weirdo who really needed a shower.

 

“Where to, Sonny?” he asked with a heavy accent.

 

“The nearest motel.” I replied abruptly, stuffing the rock-blade into the duffel I’d stolen.

 

“Alrighty.”


	4. Chapter 4

From the motel, I walked to the clothing store across the road from the motel. Using what money I had, I bought a new set of clothes. I didn’t put them on. I instead went to the motel and got a room.

 

The shower was the best I think I’ve ever had. I washed away all the filth and blood. But I was still emotionless in regards to everything else.

 

Cas was gone. His blue eyes. His messed up black hair. His deep voice. His formal way of talking. His ignorant-to-normal-humor nature. His lips. His kiss. The way he’d hold me. The way he told me he needed me, because that had meant more than what was actually spoken. The way he knew I loved him. The way he loved me just as much back. Gone. Just, gone.

 

All of my Castiel was gone.

 

I turned off the shower and put on my fresh clothes. I then went to the laundry mat adjacent to the motel to wash everything else. Cas’ face would not leave my mind. I would never see him again. He should’ve been here with me. I should’ve been seeing his real face, not the one that burned like a hot iron in my painful memory.

 

When I could no longer avoid it, I laid down on the motel bed. It was nice to sleep in a bed for the first time in a year. But it was empty. I would take a spot next to Cas in Purgatory any day over the softest bed without him. I kept thinking of the way he’d called out my name as the portal had closed. It vibrated in my brain, and I knew I’d never sleep. I closed my eyes, but staring from the backs of my eyelids were Cas’ cerulean eyes. I groaned loudly and opened my eyes again. And I had thought my heart was broken when I had to leave Lisa and Ben. This was a million times worse.

 

“Cas…” I said softly in the darkness. Tears fell. I was actually crying. For Cas. And then I did something I’ve never done before: I clutched an extra pillow and held it tight against my body. I pretended it was Cas, that we were here together, spooning each other, and holding each other close. “Cas, please. Come back. I should’ve… I should’ve got you out. I’m sorry.” I sobbed. I couldn’t believe I was crying over Cas but it honestly didn’t matter. I’d lost him before, but this time, there was no getting him back. “Cas…I love you, man…”

 

 

 

Three to four days later, I was in Clayton, Louisiana. I had one purpose. To hold up my end of the deal. I had found the old cemetery and dug up Benny’s grave until I could see his bones. Benny was getting restless in my arm.

 

“Alright. Hold on, you bastard.” I told him. I was tired from digging up the grave, and Benny was craning to stick his neck out. “Hold on!” I rolled up my sleeve and cut open the previous cut. The light from Benny’s soul poured out onto the bones with a few words of Latin from yours truly. The pain was so intense that I had to half-sit half-fall down. “Wow.” I said. I turned around. And Benny, in the flesh, was standing there. “Well that was fast.” I snapped.

 

“No thanks to you.” Benny said. “What the hell took you so long?” he asked. I groaned and stood up.

 

“You’re welcome.” I said, ignoring his impatience. He smiled a little. He then rolled his neck, and I heard things popping and cracking. “Everything working?” I asked.

 

“Good enough.” He replied. He bared his fangs, and then retracted them. “So… What now?” he asked.

 

“Like we talked about, I guess.” I said, not really sure what to tell him. He nodded. As long as he took only donated blood, I’d be good with him.

 

“Then this is goodbye.”

 

“Keep your nose clean, Benny. You hear me?” I warned. He nodded again, and stepped forward to shake my hand. I shook. He smiled.

 

“We made it, brother. I can’t believe you.” I forced myself to smile back. Not all of us had made it. Benny chuckled and man-hugged me.

 

“You and me both.” I said, slapping him on the back.

 

We parted ways, and I went off to look for Sam. He was in Texas, but I followed him to the place we had stayed before I was sent to Purgatory in Montana.

 

Sam had barely stepped in the door when I knocked him to the ground, pouring holy water on him.

 

“Dean! I’m not a demon!” he yelled.

 

And then the borax.

 

“Or a leviathan.” He said, calming down a bit. I was not convinced. I cut his arm a bit with my silver knife. He grunted in pain.

 

“Or a shifter.” I said for him. He looked at me in surprise, as if this wasn’t normal. “Good. Now my turn.”

 

“No, you don’t need to, I know it’s you.” Sam started, but I was already squirting holy water on myself.

 

“Damnit, Sammy!” I exclaimed, slashing myself with borax, and then handing him the knife. “Come on!” I insisted when he wouldn’t take it.

 

“No, Dean. Can I just say hello?” he asked. Fine. If he wasn’t going to do it, then I was. I cut my arm with the knife, showing I was me.

 

“Alright,” I began, starting to smile. I pulled out a bandana to the cut. “Well…let’s do this.” Sam smiled back.

 

“I don’t know whether to give you a hug or take a shower.” He joked. I laughed. It was good to see him again.

 

“Come here.” I said, hugging him.

 

“Dude, you’re freakin alive!” Sam said; he just couldn’t believe it. Anyone could see that. “I mean, what the hell happened?” he asked.

 

“Well, I guess standing too close to exploding Dicks sends your ass straight to Purgatory.”

 

“You were in Purgatory?” Sam asked. I nodded. He sounded like me the first time I’d asked that when I’d gotten there, talking to Cas. My heart sunk. Cas. “For the whole year?” Sam asked. I snapped back.

 

“Yeah, time flies when you’re running for your life.”

 

“How’d you get out?”

 

“I guess whoever built that box didn’t want me in there anymore than I did.” I answered.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“I’m here.” I snapped. “Okay?”

 

“What about Cas? Was he there?” Sam asked. I tried to keep up my exterior. But Cas, he was still haunting me. It hurt to think about him, although he was on my mind all the time.

 

“Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.” I responded, turning away from Sam.

 

“What exactly does that mean?” he questioned.

 

“Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy towards the end and he…just let go.” I got out. I was fighting my emotions hard.

 

“So Cas is dead? You saw him die?”

 

“I saw enough.”

 

“So, then what, you’re not sure?”

 

“I said I saw enough, Sam.” I said with more force this time. I turned to him. He gave me this look, as if he could tell that I missed Cas as much as I did. That I felt as bad as I did for leaving Cas. No, I didn’t leave him. I tried to get him out, he just…didn’t make it.

 

“Right. Then Dean, I’m sorry.”

 

“Me too.”

 

We continued to talk, and I learned that Sam, my brother, who I not only would die for, but whom I went to hell for, never even once looked for me while I was gone. And he had also stopped hunting. For some random chick. What I also learned from a few alarming phone calls Sam had neglected, was that Kevin escaped from Crowley and hasn’t been heard from since. Sam traced some of the messages to Centerville, Michigan.

 

The next morning, I got my keys to my Baby back from Sam. I looked her up and down.

 

“No visible signs of douchery, I’ll give you that.” I said gruffly. Sam scoffed, but got in the car. I sat down in my rightful place; the driver’s seat. I smelled something. I turned to him. “Smell like dog to you?” Sam sniffed. It was coming from the backseat.

 

As it turned out, Sam had met the girl because he hit a dog. That he kept. But to be honest, I really didn’t give a damn. All I could think of was the one person I’d never see again.

 

Or so I thought. That was before the teasing visions.


	5. Chapter 5

Me and Sam had been hitting the road, worked a few cases, lost track of Kevin and the demon tablet, but that wasn’t what was constantly eating at my gut. I had hardly slept because his voice rang in my ears and his eyes burned in my memory. I never told Sam. Or Benny, for that matter, even when I had helped him out when he ran into a situation.

So one day I was driving back to the motel me and Sam were at. It was an empty road in the middle of the woods. I was eating a bag of chips and listening to the radio while driving, when there was someone walking on the side of the road. Dude had a really dirty tan trench coat on and dark hair. Needless to say he caught my eye, being the only other person out there besides me. Not because of y’know. Course not. Anyway, I passed him, but my eyes followed him. He looked at me.

It was Cas.

Swear to God, it was him. I hit the brakes as fast as I could and backed up.

There was no one there. I got out and looked, but there was really no one there. I didn’t tell Sam. If figured I was just having some intense grief moment and moved on. Well, as best as someone like me can move on. But I guess I was used to pain by now. You’d think I would be anyway. Except, the pain still felt like hell. But this was just so damn hard because Cas, he was… He was everything.

That night, since I can never sleep, I was looking up something on my laptop, trying to see if I could get tail on the kid who went missing. I happened to glance up at the window at a flash of lightning, and I saw Cas. Again. I ran to the window, but there was once again, no one there. Sam woke up and saw me at the window.

“Dean? What’s going on? You alright?” He got out of bed. I was still too shocked and pained to really think right for a straight answer.

“I dunno. I thought I just saw somethin’.”

“Uh, you saw what?”

“Cas.” It came out more broken than I’d meant it to. But I held together as best I could.

“Cas? Where?”

“Right there.” I said, still looking out the window. Sam walked up next to me. “And-And then earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.”

“That’s not possible.” Sam replied slowly. “I mean, you said it yourself, you made it out and he didn’t. Right?”

“I tried so damn hard to get us the hell outta there.” I said instead of answering, turning away from the window.

“I know you did.”

“You know, I could’ve pulled him out. I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.”

“Dean, you did everything you could.” Sam sympathized.

“Yeah but why do I feel like crap?” I countered softly.

“Survivor’s guilt?” Sam suggested.

“Hm.” I answered half-heartedly. No, it wasn’t, this was something else. Something deeper. But I wouldn’t say that to Sammy. He’d pull that talk-out-your-feelings crap that I just didn’t want to hear right then. But he did give me his “let it go or it will kill you” lecture. To be honest, I wasn’t even listening. This wasn’t going away. What I’d said down there, to Cas during our last night together…I’d meant it.

Still do.

* * *

 

The next day Sam was talking to me while I was washing my face, and when I looked up into the mirror after wiping my face off,  _he_  was there. I turned around and he was there. Cas. Right in front of me.

My Castiel had come back to me.

“Hello Dean.”

“C-Cas?” I tried not to shake. I really did. But it happened anyway.

He looked just like he had when we had been in Purgatory; dirty, bloody, and all-around filthy. Needed a shave too. I like his stubble better than the peach fuzz he had now and in Purgatory.

I pulled him into a hug, and Sam came running in. I held my angel close, and he slowly put his arms around me and returned my hug.

“Dammit man, I missed you.” I whispered in his ear. I put my nose in his neck and breathed him in. He still smelled the same, clean cotton-y underneath that Purgatory grime. I wanted to run a hand through his hair and see if it was still soft as ever - although I knew it was – and kiss him, but Sam was right there so I didn’t. Sam hugged him and sat him down by the table next to the window in the motel room to ask questions. Sam sat in the right chair, Cas sat in the left. I stood, facing them. Doubt infected my mind like a disease. Something felt off. Something was very wrong.

Cas explained that I kept seeing him because he kept trying to reach out, yet he didn’t have full angel-mojo powers, so he couldn’t make a full connection.

“I gotta be honest: I’m thinking how the hell did you make it out?” I asked. “I mean, I was there. I know that place. I know how we had to scratch and claw and kill and bleed to find that portal and make it through, and it almost finished me.” I stared at Cas. He looked uncomfortable, but stared back at me. “So how exactly are you sitting here with us right now?” I asked calmly, but my eyes pleaded for an explanation. It was a minute before Cas spoke:

“Dean, everything you just said is completely true. And that’s the strange part: I…have no idea. I remember endlessly running and hiding from Leviathan and then I was on the side of a road in Illinois and that was it.”

“That was it?”

“Yes.” I knew Cas. From the look he was giving me, he was lying. I knew he was. But I said nothing. He had to have had a pretty damn good reason if he was lying to Sam and me. “I’m dirty.” He said simply, blinking away his expression to a simple one with no emotion. One that he knew I wouldn’t be able to read. Too late.

“Well, Purgatory will do that to you.” I replied, forcing a smile. Why was he lying? He had no reason to lie to me, not after all we’d been through. I was hoping maybe it was because Sam was in the room and he just didn’t want to say it in front of Sam. Hopefully. But when have I ever been that lucky?

Cas got up and passed me to get the bathroom. I sat down in his place and thought really hard about it. Sam asked me if I was okay. There was definitely something wrong. Someone or  _something_ had to have gotten Cas out. There was water running from the bathroom, and I told Sam what I thought. I told him how much I remembered every little detail of escaping Purgatory. In fact, I remember  _every_  detail of Purgatory, but yet Cas says he didn’t remember any of it. I just wasn’t buying it. Sam agreed that there had to be another variable in Cas’ escape.

The water in the bathroom cut off, and out stepped Castiel, the angel of the Lord. Shaven, clean, and well…sexy. I won’t admit to the tightness of my jeans or the fact that the room just got really hot.

“Better?” He asked with a smile that nearly sent me crawling on my hands and knees to him. I nodded my response.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I left. All this time waiting for something I'd thought would never happen, and I just left. Part of me always believed that he'd come back to me somehow, but not the smarter, reasonable half. I needed to clear my head, so I went for a drive. We needed more beer and whiskey anyway. I did, at least. You could almost say I left because Cas came back, in a way.

 

* * *

When I got back, I learned that Sam and Castiel had worked out that Crowley was taking future prophets. Also Sam got a call from Ms. Tran that Crowley got Kevin because she trusted a witch and a whole bunch of other messed up shit that’s supposed to be our lives.

So me, Sam, and Cas were sitting in Baby waiting up for Ms. Tran at a meeting spot, and just couldn’t handle it. I pulled Cas outside the car to talk to him because we needed to set a few things straight

“What?” He asked as soon as we were both out of the car and Sam couldn’t hear us.

“Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there, in Purgatory? I told you I would get you out. And we were there! It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it, I mean you kept saying that it wouldn’t work. Did you not trust me?” I threw my words at him. I didn’t say them, I barked them accusingly at him.

“Dean…”

“I did everything I could to get you out. Everything.” I was practically screaming now. “I did not leave you.”

“So you think this was…your fault?” He asked as if he was confused. Why was he confused? He knew what happened, and so did I.

“Of course this is my fault! I…I thought we had somethin’, man. Back there, those nights. The night before we found the portal. I meant what I said back there, Cas. Why don’t y-” but I was cut off by Ms. Tran’s car. She was here. I looked back at Cas. “This is not over.” I said, pointing at him. He still looked confused, especially when I had mentioned meaning what I’d said.

We hunted down Crowley and Kevin by torturing a demon that Ms. Tran had captured when he was sent to kill her. She had him in her trunk under a demon trap. No big deal. We drove to a warehouse in Atlantic, Iowa and Cas made a dickhead move by going after Crowley alone and we ended up getting Kevin back, most of the prophets sent home, and half of the demon tablet. As Cas and I were loading the trunk, I told him how pissed I was at him, because he could’ve gotten himself killed, because he’s not at full power. He’s not all the way back.

“That was a bonehead move back there. You could’ve gotten yourself killed, why didn’t you wait for me?”

“Well, I didn’t get killed. And it worked.”

“And if it didn’t?” I countered.

“It would’ve been  _my_  problem.” Cas barked.

“Well, that’s not the way I see it.”

“Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility.” Cas shot back. “Getting me out of Purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.” He added softer.

“You  _didn’t_  get out. So who’s fault was it?” I implied.

“It’s not about fault, it’s about will.” He tilted his head and squinted at me. “Dean, do you really not remember?” He couldn’t be serious.

“I  _lived_  it, Cas. Okay? I know what happened.”

“No. You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.” Cas said furtively. I stepped closer to him.

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell. For failing you, okay? For failing you like every other godforsaken thing that I care about. I DON’T NEED IT!” I raged.

“Dean, just look at it.” Cas said, reaching his hand up to my forehead. “ _Really_  look at it.”

And then I saw in my mind, that damn moment when we’d reached the portal, and I’d tried to pull him through. But instead of the memory  _I_  knew, it was Cas’.

“CAS! DAMMIT, COME ON!”

I stepped through the portal.

“COME ON!”

Cas reached his hand up. I grabbed it.

“I GOTCHA, HOLD ON!”

Cas was slipping.

“DEAN!”

“HOLD ON!”

But here was the difference:

“DEAN.”

Cas letgo of my hand. Not  _slipped_  out of my grasp, but  _let go_.

“GO.”

Cas stood, and the portal closed.

And Cas’ memory was over. I was brought back to the present as he removed his hand from my head. I breathed hard, thinking it over. No…he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not after everything we’d… No.

“See, it wasn’t that I was weak.” Cas stated. “I was stronger than you.” He continued in my silence. “I pulled away. Nothing you could’ve done would have saved me because I didn’t wanna be saved.”

“What the hell you talkin’ about?” I choked out.

“It’s where I belonged.” He replied firmly. “I needed to do penance. For the things I did on Earth and in Heaven. I didn’t deserve to be out. I saw that clearly when I was there. I…” Cas looked apologetic. “I planned to stay all along, I just didn’t know how to tell you.” I stared at him, hurt and wounded. “You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.” He said, as if I needed sympathy.

Of course, of all moments, Sam decided to show up. I wrapped up all my emotions and built a wall. Just like I always do.

“Hey. Everything okay?” Sam asked, sensing the tension. I really wanted to tell him to shove it, but I didn’t.

“Yeah. Just uh…” Cas answered, looking at me. “…setting a few things straight.”

“Good.” Sam said, seeming to not really care about how bad things between me and Cas were. Which was good, I don’t need or want his help.

Sam blabbed on about Garth and the Trans. Cas looked as sick and disoriented as I felt.

“Cas, you’re with us on this one, right Cas?” Sam asked. “Cas you okay?” He asked, concerned. Cas didn’t answer right away, but looked at me instead for what I assumed was compassion. But I refused to give him what he wanted. He betrayed me; he cut me open and bled me dry, leading me to believe that his loss was my fault for so long. And he was gonna stay all along? Why? Did he not want to stay with me once we got out and it was all over? Did he not feel the same way I did? Those nights in Purgatory…a lie? I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me back, did he not think that I meant it?

I needed time to think. He wanted sympathy, and I wasn’t going to give it to him. He didn’t deserve it. No, I looked at him more accusingly rather than forgivingly. He looked away and seemed to remember where he was.

“I’m-I’m fine. And yes…I’m with you.” He said. He looked at me again. “If that’s alright.” I nodded. Just because I was mad at him didn’t mean he couldn’t be helpful. He then walked off somewhere behind me, probably towards the Impala.

“It is, right? You two are good?” Sam asked. I wanted him to fuck off, but what I wanted the most was to slink off somewhere by myself to think and lick my wounds. Like a man. Shut up.

What I  _did_  say was:

“Yeah.”

And that was the end of the conversation.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the night before 8x10, the episode where Samandriel dies ( ;-; *sobs*) and Cas leaves the boys for Naomi to train Cas to kill Dean a thousand times. And this is after Sam leaves because the dispute about Benny, by the way.

I drove back to the motel, but I'd called Cas earlier and asked him to come watch my back for a while. Unfortunately, when I'd ordered the room, I'd only ordered one bed, so I let Cas have it. I took the car instead. Sam was still incognito, and I didn't give a rat's ass. He was being a brat, so why not just let him?

That night, I kept running the conversation between me and Cas that we'd had when we'd stormed Crowley's warehouse in my head, over and over. Replaying the memory Cas had shown me. Why did he let go? Did he not mean what he said? Did he really think I didn’t mean what I said? Did he not care? Then a new question crossed my mind.

Did he think that now that we were out and back that we shouldn’t still be together? My heart dropped.

I got out of the car and unlocked the door to the room. Cas was under the covers, and I heaved a sigh. I walked over and got in the other side of the bed. His back was to me. I was so nervous about this, even after all the…well, I guess you could almost call it “practice” I had in Purgatory. I scooter closer to him and gently put my left arm around his middle. He stiffened. I kissed the back of his neck to calm him. He didn’t relax like I thought he would. I was trying not to freak out.

“Dean what are you doing?” He asked, confusion and was that fear in his voice? I sat up in the bed and scooted back, taking my arm and off of him. He sat up and looked at me reproachfully. “Dean…what are you doing?” he repeated slowly. I looked at him in a way that I thought would show him that it was okay.

“Cas…it’s okay, Sam’s gone, we don’t have to hide.” I said, leaning in to kiss him.

But he pulled back before I could.

“Dean did you…did you just try to kiss me?” he asked, alarmed. What?

“Yeah? So maybe I don’t remember that you tried to leave me, but still. I do remember our last night in Purgatory. I meant what I said Cas, you have to know that.” I pleaded. He looked at me, puzzled.

“Our last night?”

“Yeah. What I told you. I…” No turning back now. “I…I kissed you, remember? We spent every single night together from the moment Dick sent us there.” Cas shook his head.

“Dean, when we got there, I left you to protect you. You…met Benny and sought me out when you should’ve just left. But you spent months trying to find me, and when you did, the three of us found the portal, you carried Benny through and I let you go. That was it. Our nights were spent where I stood and watched over you and Benny. That was it.” Cas explained. I took several moments to try and process what he had just said.

He left me when we got there? No he didn’t.

“You never left me, Cas.”

“Dean, yes I did. I left you to protect you from Leviathan so that they would be more drawn to me than you.”

“No.” I said, not believing. This wasn’t happening. “No, no that’s not what happened. You spent every night with me, under your coat, and we…we were together. Like,  _together_  together. Do you not remember? Cas…that last night, I told you I-” I stopped. He was looking at me with an emotion I didn’t want to see.

Pity.

I jumped out of the bed and ran for the car.

“Dean, wait!” Cas called after me. No, it couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. He didn’t remember, he didn’t know. I got in the car and drove off, Cas standing there, in the motel room doorway. If he really wanted to talk, he’d find me. He’s an angel, he can do that kinda crap.

I didn’t stop driving until I was at least six or seven towns away. I bought a shit ton of whiskey, beer, and any liquor I could get my hands on. Then I got a room. And I drank. And drank. I drank, cried, drank, repeat. By the time I was done, I my vision was so blurry, I couldn’t even see how much I’d drank from the bottle. Luckily Cas never did show up.

* * *

 

I stayed in the room the entire next day. I must’ve woke up somewhere around noon. Maybe one. Possibly two. I couldn’t tell. It was light outside, that’s all I knew. My head buzzed and I really needed food. I glanced at the nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on the nightstand. And then I saw the table across the room. At least a dozen empty beer bottles, an empty wine bottle, and assorted cheap plastic shot bottles. Like the ones you take the beach. Don’t ask me how I know that. It was  _one_   _day_  with Lisa. I looked back to the bottle of Jack.

“Guess  _you’re_  my new best friend.” I said to it. Then I looked at it skeptically. “Despite the lack of angel-mojo, the sexiness, and the trench coat, you’re really not that bad of a replacement.” Oh, who was I kidding?

I then looked over at my phone. Nothing. Not that I'd been expecting any, but y'know. I still needed a few more hours while I screwed my head on straight. I stood up from the floor, and I felt wet. I looked down, confused.

I was practically swimming in my own vomit. Well hey, I sorta stood up too fast, and up came another go. The vile nastiness shoved its way back up my throat, leaving a burning impression, and I didn’t need the mess on the floor to know that this  _definitely_  wasn’t the first time. I groaned and fell over.

My eyes, face, gut, throat, and basically everything else including my dignity and pride burned. I couldn’t get up. I reached for my phone, which I seemed to have dropped, but everything was so hazy, I don’t remember it falling or hitting the ground. Oh well. I didn’t feel like calling Sam and getting a lecture, but I sure as hell wasn’t gonna call Cas. I’d rather die. Which, at the moment might not be all that hard. I started eyeing the bottle again.

Eh, someone probably needed me to do something or something like that. I think it might be important, but I don’t really remember. Sam’d be pissed though-oh. Oh yeah. I forgot about Sam. He might need me. Then again, maybe not. He  _had_  gotten on for a year without me while I was in Purgatory. And Hell. Well, shit he was out there now without me. And Cas…well he  _obviously_  didn’t need me. That was the one thing I  _did_ remember clearly. Cas didn’t remember anything that happened in Purgatory. He had his own bullshit-version of what happened. Something about leaving me and only making an appearance at the end, and staying purposefully behind.

Then I remembered the gist of why I was here and the feeling that I'd tried to drink away last night came back. I closed my eyes. No amount of alcohol could make me forget that feeling. Except, y'know, the amount that'd kill me.

"You really are my best friend." I muttered at the bottle that was to my right- no. Left. Yeah, the bottle that was left of me.

I heard a rush of wings and kept my eyes closed.

"Dean." The gravelly voice said.

I mumbled something I don't remember saying, probably fuck off or something like that.

"Dean you have to get up. It's time to let go." He said.

"Go back to Purgatory, asshat." I snapped back, opening my eyes and looking up. He stared at me, showing the pity face I hated so much. Again.

"You don't mean that."

"I do." I said as firmly as I could, putting my face on the floor, in the puddle of muck I'd created. Oh, what the hell.

"Come on, you should get cleaned up."

"Leave me alone, you tease." I retorted. He said nothing, but grabbed me, and lifted me, carrying me into the shitty little bathroom. He set me down on the floor, where I pathetically reached out one arm and attempted to pull myself and crawl away from the angel. He put a hand on me, and gone was my strength. "You suck." I bitched.

He filled up the bathtub and then looked at me, still giving me the look. I averted my gaze.

"Stop lookin' at me like that, you pitying me is the last thing I wanna see." I complained.

"My apologies. I was just trying to help."

"Well, you're not."

"Dean, you have to take your clothes off and clean yourself."

"No."

"Dean..."

" _No_."

"Dean, I'm only trying to help."

"Shut up. You're just here to make me feel worse." I whined like a six-year old. He sighed.

"Dean, just because you and I have come to an...awkward disagreement, doesn't mean that I can't still help you. I am, after all, still your friend."

"You lying bastard!" I screeched, pointing an accusing finger at him. "I kissed and spooned and held you and you don't remember any of it and that sucks because I really like you, man." If you'd have asked, I honestly couldn't tell you the truth of when I started crying. But by the time I'd said "spooned" my face was wet and salty.

The thought of him seeing me like this pissed me off. I shouldn't have to be the one bawling my eyes out. It should be  _him_. I swung my arm at him, trying to hurt him, but all I did was smack his leg like a wimp.

"You're a mess." He said simply.

"I can see that, douchebag. I'm rolling in my own puke. S'kinda obvious."

"No, Dean." He gently cupped my chin and stared at me. Stupid blue eyes. "You're a  _mess_." I sighed in defeat.

"I know." I said softly, sniffling. "I just... I was happier in Purgatory than I ever had been. I'd never been with someone who made me genuinely feel happy." I gave him a look and I'll never admit to it ever again. "I'd rather be there with the Cas I know than here with  _you_."

“Dean, I know you think that something happened between you and I in Purgatory. That I never left you. But I think you’re just trying to forgive me for doing it by pretending it never happened, but I must tell you that I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

“Damn right.” I interrupted stubbornly, reaching for a half-empty beer bottle standing up on the floor. “Mmm.” I said, putting it to my lips.

“I believe you’ve had enough.” He reached a hand and took the bottle from me. I was too weak to really fight for it, so I let him take it. I sighed again.

“How can you not remember, man?” I said distantly, not looking at him. Though out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him gazing at me. “How can you not remember what we had? What we did? I mean, sure they were just kisses, but…” I trailed off, thinking to myself.

“But what, Dean?”

“Never mind.”

“Dean-”

“I said never mind!” I yelled. He looked away. “Sorry.” I apologized. When he didn’t say anything, I looked down at myself, then at him. “Well, you’re right about one thing.” He glanced his blue eyes back my way. "I  _am_  a mess. Can you help me out of my clothes and help me wash up? I think if I try to do it myself, I ain’t got any strength left and I’ll drown. Either that or I’ll give up halfway and drown myself for the hell of it.” I quietly confessed, nodding towards the that well-loved bottle of Jack. He gave a small smile.

“Okay, Dean.”

“Thank you, Cas.”

"You're welcome."

He lifted me up, and set me in a chair across from the one I hadn't noticed he'd been sitting in. He took off my fleece, and then my second shirt. One more to go. He hesitated for a moment and seemed to be far off. After a minute, he seemed back.

"I believe you are capable of taking the rest off on your own." He said in an uncomfortable voice.

"Cas, you okay?." He stared at me. 

"Yes. I'll get Sam to come help you. I believe I am quite unfit to be the one to..." he trailed. I cast my gaze down, at my socks and puke.

"No, s'ok Cas, I got it. I really don't wanna talk to Sam."

"Alright, Dean." He said, standing and helping me up. Didn't wanna stand too quickly. But I puked again anyway. All over Cas.

"Sorry, Cas." I grumbled. He looked down at himself and then at me.

"I'll get Sam."

"Nononono, s'ok. I got this. I honestly think that was the last of it."

"Here." He said, touching my forehead. All my grogginess and that sick feeling from booze went away. My head cleared up.

"Thanks, Cas."

He nodded, then he was gone.

"Fuck." I groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last available chapter.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note: This fic belongs to another author, I'm posting this here on their request, with their full permission and consent.**  *tired voice*Like I said, this intense and fluffy fic isn't mine, so I won't take any credit. Also not to be rude, if I see this fic floating anywhere without the original author's or my permission then, I'll haunt yo asses.
> 
> This fic has been sadly discontinued by the original author and I'll upload the remaining available chapters here :)


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